Yes, angry. For a lack of a better word, I am. I’ve spent the morning trying to sort through my emotions and this is where I landed. I would like to say I can shake it off or maybe ignore my feelings but I think I’ve bypassed that point.
See, for many years I did whatever everyone wanted and needed from me. Not once in my interactions with people did my feelings get considered. I made it a point to hold in as much sadness, weariness, disappointment, and anger as possible so that I don’t hurt or offend those that were using me.
One day a light bulb came on. I woke up to an early morning phone call no longer asking me to do something but DEMANDING it. Simply disregarding that I am not a robot or computer or even a slave. It was directed toward the submissive person that I have been. This person was in total shock that I didn’t fall all over myself to deliver. When I expressed my feelings I was faced with silence and then they turned it inward. They began to tell me how my expression was affecting and hurting them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am sure in the past I made it easy for folks to treat me this way. So yes, I take full ownership of the role I played in getting to this point. I’ve done some heart searching and I realize that I don’t have relationships outside of what folks can get from me. I don’t get calls and texts asking me how I am doing or how I feel. Well, I take that back, my grandfather did it. Now that he is gone, I realize what impact he had on me and there is no one to fill that void. I think I would like to take a page out of his book and be that person that TRULY cares about the well-being of others.
So as I deal the hurt that has become a pure undiluted ANGER, I am making up my mind to be different. I will no longer be the girl that allows people to use me like a rug. I won’t allow people to take advantage of my giving and caring nature at the expense of ME. I will work hard to guard my heart while allowing love to permeate. Most importantly, I won’t allow how others treated me in the past affect how I treat them or others in the future.
In the meantime, I am ANGRY. No, it is not going away right now. No, I won’t suppress it. I have chosen to embrace it and learn from it. This emotion is a real emotion so steer clear if you have anything but my well-being in mind when you approach me. I will not apologize for my reaction. Call it what you want to call it, put a spin on it if you must but at the end of the day remember, I am…. Angry!
But I will get better!